I've mentioned it before, but not in a while, so I feel obliged to tell you that these pieces are simply things I thought. They haven't been edited or intricately studied. They're blogs. That said ...
A couple days ago I was going to pickup my daughter from preschool when some dipshit crossed the yellow line and kept drifting. I moved over and laid on my horn. He pulled his head out of his ass and returned to his lane, avoiding a head-on collision. I glared at him as we passed, pissed that my horn sounded so wimpy. I almost never use it and feel it should scare the shit out of anyone that deserves to hear it. I want a horn makes them jerk the wheel so hard the whole car bounces off the opposite curb and rattles them for the rest of the time they drive, hopefully much better.
I also made eye contact with the lady following him in her mini-van. She seemed saddened, concerned for the portion of our society that can barely drive anymore. I had seen him pull out in front of her as he got onto the road. The guy had a cell phone in his lap. I could tell from the way he was holding his arm, in a position that used to indicate creepiness and now signifies stupidity and a deep lack of concern for the people around you. I have hated cell phones in cars since they were invented, but now that texting is an option, the hate has turned. It used to be that I would see someone talking on their phone and I would think they were self-centered and ugly, probably lonely, possibly stupid, certainly incapable of being alone with their thoughts for a few minutes, now I drive around and see people looking at their laps and I know for certain whatever message they are sending is not more important than my safety. I want to pull these useless, self-absorbed texters out of their car, right through the window, grab their phone and smash it into the pavement.
Mercedes has a commercial in which it touts a new accident-avoidance system. In the commercial they show cars swerving around semis and fallen trees, rocks and other stuff, in between these clips they show people – I assume actors – talking into the camera about the system, telling potential customers how it saved their life. One guy says, "I had no idea the car in front of me was stopped." The first time I saw it I shouted at the tv. Really? Where were you looking? What were you doing that was more important than not hitting something with your outrageously expensive car? May I take a guess? You were busy not paying attention to your driving. "I had no idea." I still can't believe it. Really? Is this problem becoming prevalent? If so, let me be the first to give everyone a tip, no, a RULE, on how to tell if the car in front of you is stopped: It becomes larger, quickly. Often there are bright red lights on the back of it and appears to be headed directly at you ... at the exact speed you are traveling.
I heard about a girl that died half a mile from her boyfriend's house. She had left to pick up a pizza and was in the middle of sending him a text – HIM, the person she had just been talking to – when her car left the road at fifty, veered into a deep ditch and rolled several times, tossing her around until her head was smashed. The girl was the neighbor of a friend I used to work with. As he told me the story we both agreed it was sad that she died, a tragedy that the family shouldn't have to face, but neither of us could work up any real empathy for her. What would Darwin say about a single-car, texting fatality?
I don't know. But I could venture a guess. One thing I do know is that if you aren't paying attention and you hit me while I'm driving you had better hope that I am badly injured and it's left to the insurance company to settle, otherwise ... well, I'd like to say that you'll have to learn to text with your sphincter muscles, but I’m afraid that would be used against me in a court of law, so I will simply state: whatever happens from the point of impact forward will have been initially instigated by you, thus entirely your fault. I've been dodging shitty drivers for years. I'll keep trying, but one's luck can only hold up for so long. Maybe just knowing I'm out there with fifteen years of fury over people not paying attention and fully intent on kicking someone's ass if they drive into me while using their cell phone will help reduce the number of idiots.
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